Saza On The Rox

or is it? is it my self-preservation thing or is it yours? I guess it used to be mine, but maybe you've copied my behaviour... to get back at me? Or maybe to avoid getting hurt? Don't.. I might deserved getting back at, but I won't hurt you, never. Let me in, let it loose let's see what happens... There are feelings inside who want this more than ever before, and that's quite new to me. Haha, I'm a rookie when it comes to emotions like this. Is there a book or a manual or something? A checklist where you just tick the boxes, one by one? I'd certainly need one of those. Especially for you to fill out. Why must it be so damn hard? Why can't life just be easy for once?

ok, it will work. it have to work. I need it to work. come on, you up there, you owe me a break, right!? I believe I've had my share of struggles through life, so please do this for me, please please please... This is all I ask for. It's my last way out, out of this idiocy! I need to let go, I just need a big final. you know. I want to have the last word. Cause it's the only right thing, it's not fair to leave it like it is, cause that means I'm the looser - I so not want to be a looser. like, SO not. Guess I have to confess that a part of me wishes to have it all back again, go back to the good old days.. but most of me understands that it isn't an option, we've gone past that now.. there's no way back. But? NO. Maybe if? NO, NO, NO. Better leave it to that, say no more I'll take my hurt feelings with me into the grave....

how the fuck am I supposed to read your signals? how the fuck should I know if you mean b when you say a? whatever it is, tell it to my face, don't try to avoid the truth. Trust me I can handle it - well handling it my way of course.. which might not be very healthy for my body but will definitely get through it. I hate stupid games! Hate 'em. Oh, I know I'm the one who started playing, but it was just beacuse I sat there with a straight royal flush (or whatever you call it) and couldn't see any other end than me winning the lot. But there we are, suddenly not playing by the rules anymore, making up our own ones and my hand isn't worth a rats ass anymore. talk about digging your own grave. Here I am, the player without real feelings, beeing the one who ended up hurt. And it is only my own fault. So trust me, I can handle it. What I can't handle is not knowing. tell me, please tell me. Im not a shrink, I can't see into your brain, I don't know what to believe anymore, My interpretations are not reliable. Give me a sign!

...says go for it! but the sensible part of my mind says give it up already. so which part should I let ruel (potentially ruin) my life? well of course I take the safe, non-exciting road to a certain mediocre subsistence... this is so not like me, though Im the kind of person who goes skydiving, backpacks in Cambodia on my own and literally throw my self out into the big unknown, to satisfiy my hunger for more more more. But when it comes to the most important values, like love, I turn into a coward, I wear both belt and braces. Im a chicken shit for crying out loud.