Saza On The Rox

thats my thing! thats what I do. if i dont have a problem, i'll create one. i think i need to worry, it's in my nature. if i dont have anything to worry about i almost feel empty, in some psycho way. the worrying is comforting. somehow. so, when i first dont have feelings for someone, who for example might have feelings for me,i should remember that. beacause before i know it, time passes and the person in question will move on and in about the same second as he do, i start to feel. feel something. i dont know what it is. but apparantly, i always translate this feeling into feelings for the person. i mean, i can see a pattern here. it has happend before. i dont know what's up with me. im not going to start counting times this has happend, cause im starting to freak out and i just counted to three so far. gosh. why didn't i realize this before? would have saved me so much trouble. Oh, wait. i did realize this before. at least a couple (and probably more, if wouldn't have been to scared to count). looks like im not learning any lesson from this repeating behaviour. only, im actually realizing it earlier this time. well, maybe not earlier, maybe this time the process was longer so I had more time to realize it. well, now i know - and now im gonna to the right thing. let it go, and let them be in love. dont intrude, dont long, dont feel hurt, dont feel angry and most importantly of all.. dont put myself in this position of totally agony ever again.. maybe i will actually suceed next time! 
- or maybe im the worst shrink ever who reads weird issues into simple, not too unsual behaviour.

sometimes i forget that i love you. sometimes i let annoyance, anger or impatience take the over hand. but for what? just beacuse i had a bad day i let it out on you. and you are totally the wrong person to take all my shit. you are always there for me. you are my rock. you are so patient and you are nice to me even if i dont deserve it. and you can do the sweetest things to make me smile. you made my day today. well, actually the whole week. so this is me saying thank you for beeing there for me. and this is me saying im so sorry for not appreciating you enough sometimes. i love you, i think you know. but i never tell you, and i dont really show it. but remember this - i will always love you.

this sucks. just beacause i figured there will unlimited ladies nites at the venetian - they decided to have the last one tonite. it sucks. i dont know how i manage to to miss the majority of them. or well, i do know. because i was sick for 7 weeks. and then there was 2 weeks of midterms, followed by the trip to mainland. normally i would have skipped tonight as well, since i have a presentation 8.30 tomorrow, which i haven't prepared for. but, since no one else seems to bring me back to life - i just have to do ut myself. so tonite, IM GONNA ROCK IT!!

being alive without living. making up plans about the future. counting the days. forgetting the present. waiting for my life to start.  what if tomorrow never comes. what a waste of life. bring me back to life. someone, anyone!